Dear Me (mom), Don’t Be Too Hard on Yourself.

Last night, I spent 3 hours putting the boys to bed. Monty was nursing, but after latching on for 30 minutes, he awoke again. I tried rocking him but it didn’t work–he couldn’t sleep deeply! Malcolm went into the room to kiss me goodnight and say our prayers, plus a chit chat on the side. 

Caspian, my second couldn’t sleep, too!  After all, he had a full afternoon nap until 4.30pm. After twisting and turning by my side, my husband took him out of the room to lull him. The clock was ticking, time was not on our side.  Monty latched on while I gave Caspian his “ I want a hug” bedtime routine. Until finally, at 11 in the evening, there was peace and quiet.

Downstairs, the toys were all over the floor, piles of laundry waiting to be folded, blog ideas I wanted to write down, and I was looking for snacks.

Something struck me. You know that feeling, that moment when you’re looking for a bigger purpose?

As I stared at my reflection on the mirror, I saw a mother.  I was processing my thoughts about what purpose have I fulfilled. Where is the woman that I once was?

I am writing this letter to remind myself of how the years molded who I am today.  What I think of myself matters because my family and sanity depends on it. 

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As I reflect on these thoughts, maybe I am being too hard on myself. I might be setting expectations that I can not resolve on my own. Laying down reasons that triggered this emotion helped me take things more easily.

Dear me,

You wear that messy bun again, and there are bags under your eyes.  But you watch your baby to sleep.  The comfort you give puts them to bed.  With your kiss and touch, they feel secure. You are the sweetest.

The shirt you wear smells of milk. But you nourish your baby.  You provide the most nutritious food he can get.

Mom, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Your body’s stretched and grew bigger. You might not wear your favorite dress again.  But you housed 3 beautiful young boys in your body for 9 months each!  That saggy and wrinkled belly will forever be your trophy. 

What have you achieved so far?  You pushed back so many plans. But your kids’ time is more precious than any other plans.  You can not go back to their childhood once they grow up.    

Why don’t you go for a date night?  But who would take care of your kids?  You can make family dinner nights, play with the kids, and sneak a movie with your husband after. 

Again, mom, don’t be too hard on yourself.

Flared up again, lost your patience for a moment? And then you feel that no one appreciates you or even listens to you.  But you are your kids’ source of joy. No one can steal your crown because you are worthy. 

You are scared that you are not doing your best.  But you are the bravest when you became a mother.  No one can harm your kids because you protect them with all that you have.

Don’t be too hard on yourself because you are not alone. Every mother has her share of imperfections.  If you love yourself, that love will resonate in the whole family. You deserve the recognition because you sacrificed your dreams, plans, and comfort zones. Keep your calm.

Love, 

Myself 

I am not alone. My husband shares the responsibility of taking care of the family. Most things are out of control so live and let go. I can be better tomorrow.